THE DAYS ARE LONG

This evening was not a good evening. 

All day long Lily has been testing me. Pushing me. Literally working on my last, fragile nerve. I do stop to think that maybe it's not her. Maybe it's me? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for her endless supply of energy? Maybe if I was naturally more energetic myself, I would cope better?

Either way, these are my cards. I've been sick (for what feels like the hundredth time this year), feeling dizzy each time I get up. Lily was feeling ill too but it's clear she is all better now. I am still looking for a job so that we can send Lily to nursery full time as opposed to the vary bare minimum sessions she attends now. 

I have somehow given everyone the impression that I want to stay at home and look after Lily and that that is all I need to sustain me. Please note, there is no offence intended to anyone who looks after their children full time. I take my hat off to you!! Well done!!

I do also get the impression from society (people with opinions) that anyone who wants this for themselves is lacking in ambition. What's it to you? Why should you care if a mother wants to raise her children full time and take a break from her career? 

Back to my point, people seem to think that I'm happy to stay at home with Lily everyday. Not send her off to nursery as if I don't know it's vital for her development and social skills. And there I am, day in and day out - just a stay at home mother. 

It was never my plan to stay home with her for two years. I took the full maternity time of one year and I resigned after that year was up for two reasons: The cost of daycare was more than what I earned and the company I worked for was horrendous, so it all made sense. I did a part time waitressing job which I soon realised the hours were not compatible with motherhood hours. Four months after I resigned we moved out of London to East Sussex so I started job hunting. Almost nine months and a few interviews later - here I am. Still job hunting.

I not only want to work again, but I need to. I need to get up for a different reason other than changing diapers, doing laundry, softplay, mealtime refusals, nap wars, grocery runs and more laundry. I need to talk to people during the day. I am bored. Yes, motherhood is wonderful and exciting and beautiful but it can also be, darn boring! My days are pretty much the same. Yes there are variations here and then, meeting a friend or heading off somewhere new but generally - it's dull. And yes Lily and I have our fun and giggles but other days, like today - it's tough. And tiring. And makes me question my sanity. She was really a rascal today. And no, she is not naughty. A two year old doesn't understand how to be naughty but they do push boundaries. And they seem to think it's fun! So I lost my temper, more than once. And as much as kids have crazy time between 4pm and bedtime, so do parents! By the time it's her bedtime (I am so ready for her bedtime!) I am on the edge. And immediately after loosing my temper I feel like a scummy mother. And then all the pressure of the past few days burst and start rolling down my cheek. And then Lily asks me why I'm sad while trying to snuggle me. She is so tender that at times she makes me feel I am not worthy. Making me feel even more like scum.

She falls asleep during the first story (She didn't nap today, making her extra bouncy and crazy. Can you see now?) and I carry on crying, quietly. Because I so desperately want a job. I want to be me again. I am lonely. I want to feel useful. I want to contribute. I want Lily to attend nursery full time because I alone am not enough for her. She has surpassed my care and I can no longer supply all of her needs. I probably could but I am too stretched and too tired. She needs constant stimulation my baby girl. She thrives on it. Stopping only to perhaps soak up something new or when, at last, her body has to convince her busy mind that she's tired. She is a mover, a talker, a busybody. And I can't do it anymore. I am tired. I am done.

After that sob in her bedroom, I felt alittle better. I have to write today off and start again tomorrow. But I pray one of my applications is accepted before I have a meltdown.

So please. Don't ask me when I plan on returning to work.

S.

SPRING

I've waited many years to pick flowers from my own garden, and today I finally did - sunny daffodils. The spring flower. 

I remember walking to school as a little girl, my friend and I would always pick daffodils and sweet peas from the fields. I have always loved yellow flowers. They just scream HAPPY:) 

S.

WHAT SLEEP?

I have had two years to compare the data and I've come up with the following result:

Going through labor and giving birth is way easier than being kept awake every night, and every day. Basically not sleeping. At all.

EMPLOY ME

So I am still searching for a job. Or I guess the correct term is - I am still waiting to be employed. Now I know that job searching takes time. You'll send your CV off to a few places and even have some interviews before you secure a job. Ok, sometimes you can get lucky and land a job off your first try. But I've been waiting over six months already! Come on! 

And it's got me thinking: Are companies reluctant to hire women who have stayed home to look after children??

At the end of this month I will officially have been a stay at home mother for two years. This was never part of the plan, but we'll talk about that another time. I don't even like the term - stay at home mother. It makes it sound like I'm a mother who chooses to stay home because I have nothing better to do. Yes I did make the choice to stay home. As did thousands of other mothers. But it's not because we have nothing better to do. 

So back to my point. Why am I not being hired?? I have a good CV with a range of work experience and skills up my sleeve. I have done IT Support Assistance, Accounts Admin Assistance, Maintenance Admin, Front of House, Call Centre and Waitressing to name a few. So surely out of all the jobs that I'm applying for there has to be something I can offer the potential employer? No, I KNOW that I have a lot to offer a potential employer. 

This leads me to believe that a two year gap in my working history and the fact that I stay at home to look after Lily is putting people off. I have had this conversation briefly with other mothers and a few have confirmed that it took them awhile to get back into employment after looking after their little ones.

But why is this? Are we seen as lazy for not having worked for a long time? Are we seen as a potential disruption to the company if our child is sick or has an emergency? Or is it just down to the luck of the draw? 

I do know that previously it has never taken this long to find a job. This is the longest it has ever taken. And I know the right job is out there. But I hope that it's got nothing to do with the fact that I stay home to look after my daughter.

S.

A FREE HOUR

Today I had an opportunity to spend a whole hour by myself, during the WEEK! I was very excited, and my mind was racing overtime reminding me that I wanted to pop into all the stores I never get a chance to when I'm with Lily. Well, most of them I can visit but I can't take my time and just browse. 

But instead, I decided to sit still, enjoy some tea and a slice of THE most delicious dark chocolate cake and read my book. A real luxury. No social media, no messages. No phone time, apart from taking this photo. 

And what a pleasure it was to enjoy this time while literally, smelling the roses. 

S.

BOOK DISCOVERIES

While browsing around a charity shop yesterday picking some books for Lily I came across this book.

I recognized it instantly!! As a small child I spent many of my days walking around the corner to the mobile library. I would be excited for days and took much pleasure from getting my books ready, returning them to the mobile library and then selecting new ones to take home to read. 

This book was one that I read quite a few times. I'm not quite sure why but I was always drawn to it. I loved the images too. When I look at the illustrations now I still love them. Everything about it is sweet. I loved the whole range of stories. And strangely enough I was thinking about this very book a few weeks ago so I was extremely pleased when I discovered it. I remember another book, with a wedding in the story. That too kept me fascinated. I hope to find that book one day too.

As a child I never noticed the breastfeeding image. To me it was just a picture, nothing strange about it. But now as an adult, as a mother that picture stood out. I think it's wonderful that a children's story shows a mother breastfeeding. Of course an image of a mother bottle feeding her baby is just as wonderful, but it's great that the story didn't shy away from showing young children something natural like a boob!

I've decided not to show Lily this book just yet and keep it for when we have baby number two. This will make story time all the more interesting! And i'll be purchasing the whole range :)

You can find the books here: Usborne Children's Books

AN ITALIAN WEDDING

This View

Back in August we spent a week in Italy. A bunch of us went to celebrate the nuptials of our dear friends, Anna & Joey.They recently moved from London to Malta, doing a road trip through Europe on their way. So cool! You can check out the travels here: The Rambling Flamingo

I have always been fascinated with Italy. Ok I'm fascinated with travelling. I want to go everywhere. But there was always something a little different about Italy. So to finally go on holiday to Italy, wow! I was excited! Andrew and I have always said we want to retire in Italy and after spending some time there, I don't think we should wait until we retire!

Although the trip had some glitches, it was still amazing. This was our first trip with a toddler. We had been to Cape Town with Lily when she was about 8 months old and that was a whole different experience. This time round Lily could walk, but mostly run! Packing for this trip seemed harder too. I'd never been to Italy before so I wasn't sure what was available on that side and I wanted to be prepared as much as possible. 

The build up to the trip was quite stressful, although still very exciting. Lily was teething, not 1 but 4 teeth were cutting through at the back. So I spent most of my nights/early morning's sleeping in a cot. Oh did I say sleeping? I meant curled up in a cot with a restless babe climbing on me and pressing her face against mine so hard it felt like she was trying to get inside my face. During the day, a teething Lily is clingy making it hard to get anything done such as pack for a trip, buy essentials that are needed for said trip and look up information one might need for this much anticipated trip. The day before I realised that I could not find Andrew's pair of smart black shoes he needed for the wedding. Where had they gone? We did a big charity drop off when we moved so perhaps they were in there..? So off I ran to the closest shop for shoes where the only decent pair I can find weren't the cheapest either. I get home to discover the shoes I ordered for Lily arrived while I was out, so a card was left for me to re-arrange delivery. Great. I call them back and the lovely lady is very helpful and arranges the delivery for the same day. What wonderful news! The shoes arrive that afternoon and are too big for Lily. Why did I take the risk and order them online? Luckily the bride to be is super chilled and happy for Lily to wear pink little sneakers with her flower girl dress. Phew! 

The day has arrived! We wake early and our taxi arrives and we're off to the airport. Note to self (there were many notes to myself), don't take two cabin bags and a large luggage bag with a pram on holiday! It's awkward to move this around once you've checked in and have to get around the airport and then the plane with an energetic toddler! I lost most of my ready formula's at security, I made the mistake of packing them in my cabin luggage. I know better than this so I'm not sure what I was thinking?! Once we were on the plane we were delayed for 50 minutes and had to sit strapped in while waiting. Then there was turbulence, so we had to stay strapped in for most of the flight. This was not easy with a toddler. No amount of distraction helped. Although the flight to Verona is not a very long one, when forcing an active toddler to stay strapped in, the flight feels never ending. I'm sure the passengers hated us but parent's deserve to travel too! And believe me, it might be annoying to your ears hearing an upset toddler on a plane but the parents are suffering more than you are - trust me. So by the time we reached the airport we were quite frazzled. We decided it was easier, quicker and most importantly, more toddler friendly to take a taxi to our hotel. The public transport would be much longer and wouldn't be direct. I hadn't had a chance to exchange any cash and needed taxi fare so the hunt through the messy handbag begins. Why is the handbag always organised when I leave the house but a shamble once I arrive at a destination? I couldn't find my purse, which had all our bank cards in it. I felt the air leave my lungs as I not only panicked, but literally collapsed. I threw everything out of my handbag, I could not find my purse! I couldn't believe that I had got my family stranded at an airport where we couldn't understand the language, had no cash and no way of reaching any of our contacts. I'm not shy to say it, I fell to my knees and cried. I can't remember the last time I felt so scared. Andrew spotted me and came running over. Usually he would have instantly stressed out but he stayed calm and thankfully he did as lo and behold, he found the purse sitting in my luggage trolley! I know, i know. It was careless of me to leave it there but I thank God that we found it!!

So after a stressful few days we eventually arrive at the hotel. We settle in and take a walk around. We have a lovely dinner and some wine made by the venue and at last feel like we are on holiday. On our second night all was well and Lily was fast asleep when I got into bed, and two minutes later I heard that gagging sound of someone about to vomit. I quickly lifted her up and turned her over and the poor thing got sick all over the travel cot, and then got sick some more. Every time we thought she was finished, she would get sick again. So there was no sleep that night, and all the bedding in the room was covered, including monkey. Andrew did his best to clean him as she really needed him that night. It was quite scary, watching her be so ill and go so limp, feeling helpless. Thankfully she woke up like her usual self. I felt terrible about all the bedding and left the cleaners an apology note, but they were more concerned about Lily and tole me not to worry. How lovely of them. Unfortunately the hotel weren't able to wash any of our items so we headed to town in search of a laundromat. We got out of the taxi and settled Lily in her pram only to realise the taxi had rode off and we left our nappy bag, purse and my phone in the car. Where were our minds?! We quickly called the driver and he returned within a few minutes. Another thankful moment! We weren't able to find a laundromat that was open and as it was a very hot day we headed back to the hotel with our bag of vomit clothing and bedding. We just washed it ourselves in our room. Besides, the pool was calling and our friends had arrived. Luckily my friend brought a bathing costume with for me (yes I didn't pack my own bathing costume).

A few days later we were heading back from the shops in our regular taxi and I suddenly wondered, where is our bank card? I asked Andrew and he checked his pocket, it wasn't there. Something green on the floor of the taxi caught our eye and there was our bank card! It had fallen out of Andrew's pocket when we were on our way to the shops. Thankfully we were in the same taxi on the way back. Had I not thought about it, we wouldn't have looked at the floor. I know, I know - us and this bank card!! So thinking that was the last of the mishaps, we were proved wrong. On the day of the wedding I opened up the suit bag to get Andrew's suit ready for day, and his pants weren't there. We had the blazer, shirt, tie, waistcoat but no pants. How could we forget the best man's trousers?! We shouldn't be allowed to pack for holidays, especially important ones that involve a wedding! 

The Beautiful Bride & Groom

So you see, we had quite a few glitches. That were mentioned....BUT it was still an amazing, memorable holiday that I'm so grateful to have enjoyed. It was awesome being with all of our friends in Italy. Hanging by the pool or the restaurants sipping on Spritz or Limoncello. Eating Pasta or Caprese Salad, exploring and just having nowhere else to go for a whole week. 

The wedding itself was beautiful. What wedding isn't?! The weather was perfect. The food delicious (I'm still dreaming about those rosemary potatoes), The view was rustic. I couldn't have asked for better company. Lily had a great time and slept through the reception, peacefully in her pram leaving us to enjoy ourselves. The Mojito's and Caffe' Corretto's flowed and flowed (I think the Grappa burned a hole in the tablecloth?). It was truly a wonderful wedding, and also a wonderful holiday. You can view the wedding photos here, taken by my pal: Natalie B Photography

It all went too quickly as all holidays do, but we shall return to Italy. Saying goodbye to Anna and Joey on their last night was surreal and I blubbered like I always do, but I know in my heart it's not good-bye but see you later. So thank you Italy!! You didn't let me down.

In the meantime I'll watch Under The Tuscan Sun on repeat and eat Caprese Salad each time I'm in an Italian mood.

S.