All day long Lily has been testing me. Pushing me. Literally working on my last, fragile nerve. I do stop to think that maybe it's not her. Maybe it's me? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for her endless supply of energy? Maybe if I was naturally more energetic myself, I would cope better?
Either way, these are my cards. I've been sick (for what feels like the hundredth time this year), feeling dizzy each time I get up. Lily was feeling ill too but it's clear she is all better now. I am still looking for a job so that we can send Lily to nursery full time as opposed to the vary bare minimum sessions she attends now.
I have somehow given everyone the impression that I want to stay at home and look after Lily and that that is all I need to sustain me. Please note, there is no offence intended to anyone who looks after their children full time. I take my hat off to you!! Well done!!
I do also get the impression from society (people with opinions) that anyone who wants this for themselves is lacking in ambition. What's it to you? Why should you care if a mother wants to raise her children full time and take a break from her career?
Back to my point, people seem to think that I'm happy to stay at home with Lily everyday. Not send her off to nursery as if I don't know it's vital for her development and social skills. And there I am, day in and day out - just a stay at home mother.
It was never my plan to stay home with her for two years. I took the full maternity time of one year and I resigned after that year was up for two reasons: The cost of daycare was more than what I earned and the company I worked for was horrendous, so it all made sense. I did a part time waitressing job which I soon realised the hours were not compatible with motherhood hours. Four months after I resigned we moved out of London to East Sussex so I started job hunting. Almost nine months and a few interviews later - here I am. Still job hunting.
I not only want to work again, but I need to. I need to get up for a different reason other than changing diapers, doing laundry, softplay, mealtime refusals, nap wars, grocery runs and more laundry. I need to talk to people during the day. I am bored. Yes, motherhood is wonderful and exciting and beautiful but it can also be, darn boring! My days are pretty much the same. Yes there are variations here and then, meeting a friend or heading off somewhere new but generally - it's dull. And yes Lily and I have our fun and giggles but other days, like today - it's tough. And tiring. And makes me question my sanity. She was really a rascal today. And no, she is not naughty. A two year old doesn't understand how to be naughty but they do push boundaries. And they seem to think it's fun! So I lost my temper, more than once. And as much as kids have crazy time between 4pm and bedtime, so do parents! By the time it's her bedtime (I am so ready for her bedtime!) I am on the edge. And immediately after loosing my temper I feel like a scummy mother. And then all the pressure of the past few days burst and start rolling down my cheek. And then Lily asks me why I'm sad while trying to snuggle me. She is so tender that at times she makes me feel I am not worthy. Making me feel even more like scum.
She falls asleep during the first story (She didn't nap today, making her extra bouncy and crazy. Can you see now?) and I carry on crying, quietly. Because I so desperately want a job. I want to be me again. I am lonely. I want to feel useful. I want to contribute. I want Lily to attend nursery full time because I alone am not enough for her. She has surpassed my care and I can no longer supply all of her needs. I probably could but I am too stretched and too tired. She needs constant stimulation my baby girl. She thrives on it. Stopping only to perhaps soak up something new or when, at last, her body has to convince her busy mind that she's tired. She is a mover, a talker, a busybody. And I can't do it anymore. I am tired. I am done.
After that sob in her bedroom, I felt alittle better. I have to write today off and start again tomorrow. But I pray one of my applications is accepted before I have a meltdown.
So please. Don't ask me when I plan on returning to work.
S.
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