THE DAYS ARE LONG

This evening was not a good evening. 

All day long Lily has been testing me. Pushing me. Literally working on my last, fragile nerve. I do stop to think that maybe it's not her. Maybe it's me? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for her endless supply of energy? Maybe if I was naturally more energetic myself, I would cope better?

Either way, these are my cards. I've been sick (for what feels like the hundredth time this year), feeling dizzy each time I get up. Lily was feeling ill too but it's clear she is all better now. I am still looking for a job so that we can send Lily to nursery full time as opposed to the vary bare minimum sessions she attends now. 

I have somehow given everyone the impression that I want to stay at home and look after Lily and that that is all I need to sustain me. Please note, there is no offence intended to anyone who looks after their children full time. I take my hat off to you!! Well done!!

I do also get the impression from society (people with opinions) that anyone who wants this for themselves is lacking in ambition. What's it to you? Why should you care if a mother wants to raise her children full time and take a break from her career? 

Back to my point, people seem to think that I'm happy to stay at home with Lily everyday. Not send her off to nursery as if I don't know it's vital for her development and social skills. And there I am, day in and day out - just a stay at home mother. 

It was never my plan to stay home with her for two years. I took the full maternity time of one year and I resigned after that year was up for two reasons: The cost of daycare was more than what I earned and the company I worked for was horrendous, so it all made sense. I did a part time waitressing job which I soon realised the hours were not compatible with motherhood hours. Four months after I resigned we moved out of London to East Sussex so I started job hunting. Almost nine months and a few interviews later - here I am. Still job hunting.

I not only want to work again, but I need to. I need to get up for a different reason other than changing diapers, doing laundry, softplay, mealtime refusals, nap wars, grocery runs and more laundry. I need to talk to people during the day. I am bored. Yes, motherhood is wonderful and exciting and beautiful but it can also be, darn boring! My days are pretty much the same. Yes there are variations here and then, meeting a friend or heading off somewhere new but generally - it's dull. And yes Lily and I have our fun and giggles but other days, like today - it's tough. And tiring. And makes me question my sanity. She was really a rascal today. And no, she is not naughty. A two year old doesn't understand how to be naughty but they do push boundaries. And they seem to think it's fun! So I lost my temper, more than once. And as much as kids have crazy time between 4pm and bedtime, so do parents! By the time it's her bedtime (I am so ready for her bedtime!) I am on the edge. And immediately after loosing my temper I feel like a scummy mother. And then all the pressure of the past few days burst and start rolling down my cheek. And then Lily asks me why I'm sad while trying to snuggle me. She is so tender that at times she makes me feel I am not worthy. Making me feel even more like scum.

She falls asleep during the first story (She didn't nap today, making her extra bouncy and crazy. Can you see now?) and I carry on crying, quietly. Because I so desperately want a job. I want to be me again. I am lonely. I want to feel useful. I want to contribute. I want Lily to attend nursery full time because I alone am not enough for her. She has surpassed my care and I can no longer supply all of her needs. I probably could but I am too stretched and too tired. She needs constant stimulation my baby girl. She thrives on it. Stopping only to perhaps soak up something new or when, at last, her body has to convince her busy mind that she's tired. She is a mover, a talker, a busybody. And I can't do it anymore. I am tired. I am done.

After that sob in her bedroom, I felt alittle better. I have to write today off and start again tomorrow. But I pray one of my applications is accepted before I have a meltdown.

So please. Don't ask me when I plan on returning to work.

S.

SPRING

I've waited many years to pick flowers from my own garden, and today I finally did - sunny daffodils. The spring flower. 

I remember walking to school as a little girl, my friend and I would always pick daffodils and sweet peas from the fields. I have always loved yellow flowers. They just scream HAPPY:) 

S.

WHAT SLEEP?

I have had two years to compare the data and I've come up with the following result:

Going through labor and giving birth is way easier than being kept awake every night, and every day. Basically not sleeping. At all.

EMPLOY ME

So I am still searching for a job. Or I guess the correct term is - I am still waiting to be employed. Now I know that job searching takes time. You'll send your CV off to a few places and even have some interviews before you secure a job. Ok, sometimes you can get lucky and land a job off your first try. But I've been waiting over six months already! Come on! 

And it's got me thinking: Are companies reluctant to hire women who have stayed home to look after children??

At the end of this month I will officially have been a stay at home mother for two years. This was never part of the plan, but we'll talk about that another time. I don't even like the term - stay at home mother. It makes it sound like I'm a mother who chooses to stay home because I have nothing better to do. Yes I did make the choice to stay home. As did thousands of other mothers. But it's not because we have nothing better to do. 

So back to my point. Why am I not being hired?? I have a good CV with a range of work experience and skills up my sleeve. I have done IT Support Assistance, Accounts Admin Assistance, Maintenance Admin, Front of House, Call Centre and Waitressing to name a few. So surely out of all the jobs that I'm applying for there has to be something I can offer the potential employer? No, I KNOW that I have a lot to offer a potential employer. 

This leads me to believe that a two year gap in my working history and the fact that I stay at home to look after Lily is putting people off. I have had this conversation briefly with other mothers and a few have confirmed that it took them awhile to get back into employment after looking after their little ones.

But why is this? Are we seen as lazy for not having worked for a long time? Are we seen as a potential disruption to the company if our child is sick or has an emergency? Or is it just down to the luck of the draw? 

I do know that previously it has never taken this long to find a job. This is the longest it has ever taken. And I know the right job is out there. But I hope that it's got nothing to do with the fact that I stay home to look after my daughter.

S.

A FREE HOUR

Today I had an opportunity to spend a whole hour by myself, during the WEEK! I was very excited, and my mind was racing overtime reminding me that I wanted to pop into all the stores I never get a chance to when I'm with Lily. Well, most of them I can visit but I can't take my time and just browse. 

But instead, I decided to sit still, enjoy some tea and a slice of THE most delicious dark chocolate cake and read my book. A real luxury. No social media, no messages. No phone time, apart from taking this photo. 

And what a pleasure it was to enjoy this time while literally, smelling the roses. 

S.

BOOK DISCOVERIES

While browsing around a charity shop yesterday picking some books for Lily I came across this book.

I recognized it instantly!! As a small child I spent many of my days walking around the corner to the mobile library. I would be excited for days and took much pleasure from getting my books ready, returning them to the mobile library and then selecting new ones to take home to read. 

This book was one that I read quite a few times. I'm not quite sure why but I was always drawn to it. I loved the images too. When I look at the illustrations now I still love them. Everything about it is sweet. I loved the whole range of stories. And strangely enough I was thinking about this very book a few weeks ago so I was extremely pleased when I discovered it. I remember another book, with a wedding in the story. That too kept me fascinated. I hope to find that book one day too.

As a child I never noticed the breastfeeding image. To me it was just a picture, nothing strange about it. But now as an adult, as a mother that picture stood out. I think it's wonderful that a children's story shows a mother breastfeeding. Of course an image of a mother bottle feeding her baby is just as wonderful, but it's great that the story didn't shy away from showing young children something natural like a boob!

I've decided not to show Lily this book just yet and keep it for when we have baby number two. This will make story time all the more interesting! And i'll be purchasing the whole range :)

You can find the books here: Usborne Children's Books